


Four Times Castiel Got the Talk (and One Time Dean Did)

by NeonFox



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel doesn't do social interaction, Gabriel is awesome, Humor, M/M, five things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-28
Updated: 2011-12-28
Packaged: 2017-10-28 09:19:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/306356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonFox/pseuds/NeonFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel can't help but wonder why people keep threatening him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Four Times Castiel Got the Talk (and One Time Dean Did)

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers through 5.19 "Hammer of the Gods", but only if you really, really look hard. Slightly more specific spoilers for 5.18 "Point of No Return".

After the photograph was taken, the humans started to disperse. Ellen went up to Bobby's old room, which she and Joanna were sharing; Sam and Dean had the guest room, as they had since they were children. Joanna pulled Castiel into the kitchen, away from Bobby's preparations for sleep.

"I don't know if you saw Dean talking to me earlier," Joanna said. Castiel couldn't identify her mood with any certainty, but he had seen the interaction he assumed she referred to, so he nodded. "He was propositioning me," she said. Castiel's incomprehension must have shown on his face, because Joanna sighed and smiled. "For sex. He wanted me to have sex with him." Her cheeks looked a little pinker. Castiel was aware that some humans blushed in response to intoxication, but since she hadn't done it earlier he assumed this case was due to embarrassment.

"I don't understand why you're telling me," he said. Most humans preferred not to discuss things they found embarrassing.

Joanna blinked at him, and Castiel wondered what he'd said that was outside human norms this time. After a moment, she said, "I turned him down." She appeared to think that was important. Perhaps she was afraid Castiel disapproved of sexual intercourse? Many humans seemed to be. It seemed he'd spent too long trying to formulate a response, because Joanna said, "I saw how you look at him, is all. I wanted to tell you, I don't think he meant it. I mean, I know what I look like, but I think he thinks he _ought_ to want me, more than he actually does." She paused and took a deep breath in a way Castiel recognized as meaning she was steeling herself. "Because I saw how he looks at you, too."

Castiel wasn't sure what she was trying to say, but it seemed too long since he'd spoken so he said, "Dean thinks of me as a friend and comrade, Joanna."

Joanna laughed, and Castiel frowned. After a moment she said, "Maybe, but that's just because he's not letting himself get any further." She smiled and shrugged. "Anyway I just wanted to say I don't think it meant anything. Just so you'd know that. OK?"

"Yes," Castiel said, though he was not entirely sure what he was agreeing to.

"Great," she said, and turned towards the stairs. Then she paused and looked back over her shoulder. "And Castiel. If you hurt him, Mom and I will totally shoot you. You get that, right?"

"Shooting won't harm me," Castiel protested, more confused than ever and choosing the least absurd part of the statement to object to. Joanna shrugged again. "It'd make us feel better," she said.

***

Dean leaped away from Castiel with a speed that was nearly comical and said, "I, uh. We were--"

"Yeah, I saw what you were," Bobby said, sounding annoyed in a more directed fashion than usual. "Hope you're happy, now I owe Sam ten bucks." Dean appeared to be struck dumb by this; Castiel wasn't sure what kissing Dean had to do with Bobby and Sam owing each other money, but now didn't seem to be the time to ask. "Sam wants you back in the house," Bobby continued, and Dean nodded. He was blushing furiously, which Castiel found endearing. As Dean hurried towards the garage door, Bobby called after him, "And no sex when I can hear it, you got me?" Dean hunched his shoulders and vanished. Bobby turned his gaze back onto Castiel, who found it slightly unsettling.

"Pretty sure this is where I ask you about your intentions, angel," Bobby said.

"My...intentions," Castiel repeated. He intended a lot of things. "I intend to find God," he said, but Bobby rolled his eyes, so that was clearly not what he meant.

"Your intentions towards Dean, ya idjit."

Castiel thought that over for a moment. "I will keep him safe, and help him in his search for a way to defeat Lucifer," he began, feeling on more solid ground now.

Bobby didn't seem happy with that either, though. "OK, never mind. I'm just gonna say this: those boys have lost enough people who're important to them. You leave Dean in the lurch, I'll stick you in a ring of holy oil till your feathers fall out." He glared until Castiel nodded, then turned to leave. Castiel would have been a little offended at the suggestion he would abandon Dean, but it seemed clear Bobby only wanted to help protect him. It was an impulse Castiel could wholly sympathize with.

***

His cell phone rang as he waded into the creek. Castiel pulled it from his pocket. The small screen displayed a number he didn't recognize, but he answered it anyway; Sam had told him that demanding to be removed from "the list" would cut down on the number of inconvenient calls he received. So far it seemed to be working.

"Hello," he said. The voice that responded was immediately familiar.

"Hi, uh, Castiel, this is Chuck." The prophet sounded strange.

Castiel did not hold the phone away from his head to stare at it unbelievingly, because he'd discovered that never helped. "Why are you calling me, Chuck?" he asked instead.

"Right, so you know--or maybe you don't know--that I see stuff I don't necessarily, uh, leave in the final drafts," Chuck said. This didn't seem to require a response, so Castiel waited. After a moment the prophet continued, "Sometimes I see things that are kind of private, and since I found out you guys are real, it seems...wrong. You know?"

"No," Castiel said.

There was a pause, and then Chuck said rapidly, "I saw you and Dean having sex, OK? And I know it looks like it's not a big deal for him, and maybe it isn't with most people, but I know the guys pretty well at this point and it's, it's _different_ with you. He doesn't say that stuff to the random girls. The only one was Cassie and..." The prophet trailed off and took a deep breath. "I'm just saying, you could totally mess him up, and if you did I'd be pissed. I like Dean. And Sam, but you aren't having sex with Sam."

"I like Dean too," Castiel said cautiously. "I wouldn't mess him up."

"Good," Chuck said. "Don't. Because I know they said this is only supposed to be visions, but I could try putting stuff in on my own. And I will if you do anything to Dean. And you won't like it." He sounded terrified, but resolute.

Castiel was beginning to wonder what it was that made people think he was planning to hurt Dean. "I don't want to hurt him," he said, hoping that was the right answer.

"Good," the prophet said. "Good. OK. Um. Bye, then." And he hung up.

Castiel held his phone away from his head and stared at it unbelievingly.

It didn't help.

***

After they had Dean settled in the panic room (handcuffed to the cot this time, and Sam had verified that Dean didn't have any of his hidden lockpicks or even a paper clip), Sam turned to Castiel and said, "So, we need to talk." He led Castiel back up to the living room and sat on the worn couch, leaning his arms on his knees and staring at his clasped hands for a moment. When he looked up, his face was calm, but Castiel didn't think Sam was as controlled as he was pretending.

"I'm pissed too," Sam said at last. "And seriously, I think he kind of deserved a beatdown, so I'm not gonna make a big deal out of that. I know Dean means a lot to you." He paused expectantly, so Castiel nodded. "But, and this is a big one, you mean a lot to him too, Cas. I can tell. I've never seen him act like this just because he's getting laid." He stopped talking again, and Castiel took the opportunity to say, "Dean is very important to me, Sam. He would be, even if we were not...getting laid."

"Yeah, I get that," Sam said. "But it's a big thing for humans, OK? And Dean, he doesn't let people in much. So let me put it very simply. If you break my brother's heart, I will find a way to hurt you." Sam's expression had gone hard and determined, and it was harder than Castiel would have expected to dismiss the idea of a human being able to harm him.

"You...are not the first person to say something like this to me," Castiel said at last. Sam raised an eyebrow and asked, "Who else?"

"Joanna," Castiel said. "Bobby. And Chuck."

"Chuck, seriously?" Sam laughed softly. "OK, well, just keep it in mind." Castiel inclined his head in agreement, and Sam continued, "In the meantime, we have to find Adam."

***

Dimly, Dean was aware he was dreaming, but he was able to repress the knowledge. He was sitting on that bench, just watching the kids play. There was a reassuring presence to his left, on the next bench over. Dean didn't look at it, didn't feel the need to; it was enough to know that Cas was there. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, letting the sun soak into his skin. In the dream it was easy to block out everything, so when someone settled onto his bench he jumped.

"Oh, chill out, Deano," a voice drawled. Dean whipped his head in the speaker's direction, and sure enough, it was Gabriel. The Trickster. Whatever. Short guy with stupid hair and ultimate cosmic power.

"What the hell?" Dean demanded. He threw a glance over his shoulder, but dream-Cas was just sitting there, and even as Dean watched he faded away.

"That was a hell of a stunt you pulled," Gabriel said. Dean turned back to him. He was lounging on the bench, but something in his posture suggested he wasn't as casual as he appeared.

"Yeah?" Dean said. "Thought you'd be into it. I was going to fulfill my destiny and all that crap."

Gabriel smirked at him. "Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm down with you finally getting with the program. Just, you know, maybe next time you could do it in a way not guaranteed to break my little brother's heart!" By the end of this speech he was practically shouting, drawing breath to continue when Dean yelled over him, "There isn't gonna be a next time!"

Gabriel blinked at him. "What are you talking about?" he asked after a second.

"Cas is gone," Dean said, the energy rushing out of him. "He...he banished himself and the other angels to get us into the beautiful room. He's gone, we haven't heard from him since. His phone goes straight to voicemail. And Michael got Adam anyway."

"Oh, that," Gabriel said, his grin suddenly reappearing. "That's no biggie, Deano. He'll be fine, trust me."

Dean stared, the smallest hope stirring in him. "Cas isn't dead?"

"Cas isn't dead," Gabriel confirmed, and then frowned. "Except I don't think you're supposed to know that. Damn, did you guys meet the gods yet?" Dean didn't know what to say, and Gabriel sighed. "From your slack jaw I'm gonna take it that's a big No. This time travel stuff, it gets tricky even for me, and I'm awesome." He spread out his hands, grinning.

"Cas isn't dead," Dean repeated. Gabriel regarded him for a second and then leaned forward, his face suddenly intent. "No. He isn't. So here's the deal: you don't ever, ever hurt him that way again, _capisce_? Or I will find a way to make you suffer no matter where I end up. Kid's got a stick up his ass, but I like him." Gabriel stood and looked around, hands on his hips. "Too bad I'm gonna have to make you forget most of this."

"What do you mean, no matter where you end up?" Dean asked, but then Gabriel touched his forehead.


End file.
